emptying nest

[Betty Kramer]

My middle child left for her freshman year of college this past weekend and I miss her. My youngest is 6, almost 7. Having such a really wide age spread can be hard. Few of the people in our local homeschool group have both older and younger children and it can be hard dealing with both ends of the spectrum.

[Laura Weldon]

I feel for you Betty. We got back yesterday from leaving Kirby at Ohio University. So many wonderful possibilities are opening up for him and yet it's such a juncture for us as a family to be apart after our lives have been closely intertwined. His place at the dinner table is starkly empty.
My children aren't as far apart as yours, ten years from oldest to youngest. What did you learn from raising the older two that has helped you with your youngest daughter? And in the other direction, you probably often encounter parents whose children are all her age or younger. If you could tell them something (say in a homeschooling book!) what would you like to say?

[Betty Kramer]

I have spent much time pondering how to answer your questions, Laura. I guess some of the things I think I have learned are that each child is very different. Not only in how they learn, but in what interests them. To be honest I am much more structured with younger dd then I was with the older 2. In many ways she is an only child and wants someone to be with her. She loves to play school and sit down to do workbooks and academics, which the older ones seldom cared to do, but then they had each other to play with.
Some of the things I have already told other parents of very young children is that you don't need to drive yourself crazy trying to expose them to or involve them in lots of activities. Children need down time and independent play time way more than they need field trips and group activities. I am not and doubt I ever will be a radical unschooler, but I don't worry about trying to expose my child to lots of different things so they would have more options to chose from.

[Laura Weldon]

I agree abput going crazy trying to expose kids or over involve them. It's the same sort of hyper-parenting seen everywhere. Children need the opportunity to develop a strong capacity for contemplation and imagination, and that tends to flourish in solitude. Not in a frantic schedule.

I am a fan of exposing kids to enriching experiences however. Not necessarily structured classes. A stroll in the woods, a tour of a factory, a puppet show.

It's going against the stream to have a quieter homeschool don't you think? As a support group leader I used to set up many activities but soon my children made it clear to me that they were not enjoying such things as historical reenactments even if they got to see their friends. So for years I set up activities for group members who wished to attend and stayed home with my kids as they chose. We went on many exciting tours but also validated for ourselves that we are a closer to home sort of family. It was amazing to me that other people were frustrated with us for not attending every field trip, class and event, as if by letting my children choose I was depriving them of educational opportunity! I had to advocate for my family's right to stay home. In our current society there seems to be active discomfort with "do nothing" time.

How do you talk to parents about the need for down time and independant play?

[Urmila Anna Samson]

I'm curious about homeschoolers/unschoolers who grow up and go away. There are not many homeschoolers in India, and the ones I know are mostly younger than my own children. There is only one lady, a Kathak dancer, who says she will never have children, as she cannot give the time and attention that her parents gave her while she grew up. Sometimes my daughter says the same thing: That she doesn't want to be so tied down. Do homeschool children in your country marry schooled children? Do they homeschool their children?

[Laura Weldon]

We are beginning to see the second generation of homeschoolers here in the U.S. I don't know if generalizations can be made about what choices they are making (homeschooling their own children or not) but those who have written in to the magazine I write for are notable for their willingness to really look at the effect of their decisions both in their lives and on the community. They don't seem career driven so much as concerned with the whole picture. That gives me a great deal of hope for the future.

I don't know if it will be necessary for our children to see homeschooling as the only option for their children. Perhaps there will be many choices of schooling by then, including Learning Community schools (free form sorts of education) and even homeschooling parents who are willing to open their arms to another child or two during the day. My own kids, when they talk of such things, are sure that there will be alternatives. I hope there will. Already in Europe there are more opportunities to have flexible work schedules so that both parents are able to work and contribute to raising the children, a lifestyle conducive to homeschooling.

[Laura Weldon]

I have an update on adult homeschoolers. I interviewed a professor at the University of Toronto yesterday who has studied homeschoolers for 25 years, he and his wife also homeschooled their children. Quite an interesting chap, a New Zealander by birth. I was trying to get the facts straight as I'd read several different articles quoting one of his studies, here's one about grown homeschoolers: http://www.athomeinamerica.com/Article_4YearStudy.mv
Clearly they have grown into self-reliant people. There's quite a bit to be said for developing citizens who think for themselves, create the sort of work they want to do and question authority.

Anyway, Prof. Knowles very clearly thinks that the sort of homeschooling a child is exposed to makes a difference. He's encountered very narrow-minded parents whose philosophy has negatively affected their children as well as parents who profess to allow their children to make choices but who don't live up to their own standards. He says, in part that much importance rests on "..being true to yourself, being consistent to your philosophy and goals, not being incongruent, not reliying on the authority of others, honoring the ideas you are following."

[Betty Kramer]

Not a lot of time today, so I just wanted to reply to Urmila's post and will try to respond to Laura's comments later. As Laura said to a certain extent we are just now getting many homeschoolers to the age of marrying and having children, so it is hard to say if they will marry other homeschoolers.
There is a documentary, made by unschooler, Peter Kowalke, Grown Without Schooling, about 10 adults who were homeschooled. I am pretty sure that his wife was also homeschooled. Some of the young people I know have married people they met at homeschooling activities and others people they met in college and many more are not yet married. I have met a few people who were homeschooled that have children in public school, so I don't think you can make any sort of blanket statements about how they will live their lives.

[Urmila Anna Samson]

Thank you Laura and Betty. I notice that you both replied in September, and I didn't find these posts then! I really need to learn how to navigate this site!

When I started homeschooling, I used to tell people that I didn't really want to keep my children home, I just didn't have any better place to send them, and I'm sure there will be wonderful spaces and people (unlike today's teachers) who will spend time with them (not 'teaching'). In 2004 I wrote a paper part of which described places and alternatives. Many people asked me why I didn't 'start something' of my own. Well, simply because I've no idea how to start. Last year I wrote a proposal and approached many people for help and advice. I couldn't muster any support. I heard that there was a place like I was imagining already in existence in Auroville, a world community of people built by Sri Aurobindo and The Mother called Deepanam. Excitedly I visited in March of this year, only to find that a year ago they introduced 'structure', because of pressure from parents. Teachers were suffering burn out...I remembered how burnt out we used to feel at the Free Progress School I'd taught at... I remembered reading about homeschooling mother's medicine cabinets beginning to bulge...

Bringing up children is a community affair. People who love being with children should be hanging out with children. Well supported by other members of the community. But every parent has a different idea of what their children should be doing with their time. So until we have numbers, we can't really have different child spaces with enough children and financial support.

For example, our family has moved from minimal structure to no structure whatsoever. It is very difficult and demanding, but our infrastructure can handle this. How would I expand this beyond our family, I have no idea. And which other family would be willing to give even half of this kind of freedom to their children? Perhaps there are many, but where are they? It has been a difficult and often painful and frightening journey. What is the criteria to judge success? Reading the article by Prof. Knowles I note the criteria is based somewhat on college, self employment, homeschoolers saying if they were to live life over, they'd do it again, etc. These criteria don't grab me. Recently I have come across some ancient Indian philosophy which looks at the individual as a part of the whole. It is a time of tumultuous change, and I think we are just drops in an educational tidal wave.